you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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