I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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