mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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