Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
