I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
