Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
