I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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