So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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