I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
