I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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