am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
