i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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