thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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