today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
