I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
