I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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