I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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