Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
