I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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