Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
