The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
