She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
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I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
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I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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