rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
