I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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