I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
