No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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