I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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