They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
