how can u be prego again
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
