I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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