Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
