I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
