Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
