His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
