I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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