So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
