I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
