Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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