Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
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Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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