I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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