she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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