If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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