sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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