I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
