i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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