I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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