I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
