had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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