I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
