The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Vodka?
Forever.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
