it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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