Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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