i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
