I think im going to throw up on grandma
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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