someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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