Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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