An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
